A Tale of Vladimir Putin's Revenge, or Space Aliens Abduct Donald Trump
It happened on a blustery evening at his sprawling Mar-a-Lago retreat. The occasion was a weekend getaway. Having won the USA presidency, Donald Trump was elated. He could not believe that he had pulled off the political upset of the century. He kept pinching himself as if his victory were not real. Suddenly, he felt like celebrating. He decided to take a joyous victory stroll on the grounds of his Mar-a-Lago retreat.
During the stroll, he clenched his arm into the air. He gave it a ferocious vertical pump and exclaimed, "Yes, I did it!" He took a celebratory leap of joy into the air. He was elated.
It hit him like a ton of bricks. After spending years sitting on the sidelines critiquing, assailing, belittling, praising, applauding, and judging others, suddenly, he was in the hot seat. The spotlight was now on him. He was the center of attention. It was his turn to step into the ring and perform. He had talked the talk, and now it was his time to walk the walk. He, Donald Trump, was the man. He was the President of the United States of America. He was the most popular human on Earth, and simultaneously he was the most powerful human on Earth. He was Number One as Patrice Rushen's tune jingled in his head.
While walking and celebrating, he noticed a dazzling blaze of light in the sky. He observed a whirling cloud of wind. He could not believe his eyes. Was it what he thought he saw? Was it an alien spacecraft? Was it a close encounter of the fourth kind. To his horror and amazement, the spacecraft quietly descended and landed close to where he was standing.
Several space aliens emerged from the spacecraft. The space aliens telepathically assured Donald Trump that they were not there to harm him. The space aliens informed him that they had traveled from a planet far, far away. They had been monitoring USA television signals from afar in deep space. The space aliens told Donald Trump that, on their alien planet, everybody thought that the 2016 USA presidential election would be a cinch for Hillary Clinton to win. On their alien planet, everyone was in a state of shock. Everyone was dumfounded, stupefied, and catatonic. Feelings of delirium permeated the air on their planet. A malaise had overtaken their planet. Everyone's head was spinning. The space aliens intimated to Donald Trump that, on their alien planet, they, too, could not believe it when he pulled off the most improbable upset political victory.
The space aliens telepathically explained to Donald Trump that it was not their style to interfere into the affairs of other planets. Due to the crisis on their planet, the space aliens made an exception and decided to pay Donald Trump a personal visit. Inquiring minds on their home planet wanted answers. They unanimously voted to dispatch a team of investigators to Earth. They came to Earth to find out firsthand how did Donald Trump manage to emerge victorious. They decided to make an interstellar journey to Earth so that they could examine Donald Trump's brain. The space aliens journeyed all the way across interstellar space to Earth to discover what was Donald Trump's secret recipe for success. They needed to restore a state of normalcy to the discombobulated souls of everyone on their home planet.
After carefully examining Donald Trump's brain, the space aliens discovered the answer. They discovered that, contrary to their initial premise, the secret of Donald Trump's success was not the art of the deal. The space aliens discovered that Vladimir Putin was Donald Trump's secret recipe for success. Donald Trump's election victory was nothing more than a simple case of Vladimir Putin's revenge. The space aliens discovered that despite most polling data pointing to an inevitable Hillary Clinton victory, it was Vladimir Putin's revenge that led to the ascension of Donald Trump to the USA Presidency.
The space aliens telepathically discovered that Vladimir Putin had surreptitiously inserted a nanobot into Donald Trump's brain. Insertion of the nanobot occurred while Donald Trump was sleeping in his hotel room. The insertion happened when Donald Trump traveled to Moscow to attend the Miss Universe beauty pageant. The nanobot was inserted as a type of long-term insurance policy of leverage. It was Vladimir Putin who, years later, sublimely and remotely activated the nanobot and suggested to Donald Trump that he should toss his hat into the ring for the USA presidency. Vladimir Putin had launched his secret plan of revenge; he would do everything within his power to propel Donald Trump to victory.
What was Vladimir Putin's motivation? The space aliens discovered that Vladimir Putin was still seething mad over the Russian women losing to the USA women during the 4X400m track relay race at the 2008 Summer Olympic games held at Beijing, China. The Russian women had come ever so close to victory. And, with the USA women's runaway victory in the 4X400m track relay race at the 2012 London Summer Olympic games and also with USA victories at the 2000 Sydney Summer Olympic games and the 2004 Athens Summer Olympic games, Vladimir Putin was beside himself. He could not take it anymore. He was yanking out the hair on his head in anguish.
The 4X400m women's track relay race was Vladimir Putin's favorite track event. Vladimir Putin was not accustomed to his team losing. Since 1988, the Russian women have reigned as the world and Olympic record holders in the 4X400m women's track relay event. Vladimir Putin had vowed that, come hell or high water, the Russian women would get their revenge against those USA women. Vladimir Putin had declared that the Russian women would bring home the Olympic gold medal by winning the 4X400m women's track relay race at the 2016 Summer Olympic games held at Rio, Brazil.
Watch (Sydney Olympics women's 4x400m)
Watch (Women's 4x400m final Athens Summer Olympics 2004)
Watch (2008 Beijing Olympics 2008 Women 4X400m Final)
Watch (USA Wins 4x400m Relay Gold - London 2012 Olympics)
To Vladimir Putin's surprise, chagrin, dismay, and disappointment, the Russian women were banned from competing in the 2016 Summer Olympic games. Vladimir Putin's revenge would have to wait another 4 years for the next Summer Olympic games to arrive. Impatient to wait another 4 years, Vladimir Putin decided to take out his wrath on Hillary Clinton. So, Vladimir Putin sublimely and remotely persuaded Donald Trump to run for the USA Presidency. Vladimir Putin's plan for revenge was set in motion.
Given the pro-Russian sentiments of Donald Trump and given Donald Trump's repeated public expressions of affinity for Vladimir Putin, this reality inspired Vladimir Putin to wage an all-out, well-coordinated, and comprehensive campaign of cyberspace warfare on the USA electoral system. Vladimir Putin decided to secretly insert himself into the USA electoral process big time. Vladimir Putin proceeded to unleash upon the USA electorate a torrid campaign of fake news, leaked news, computer hacks, and a bevy of other political tricks. Vladimir Putin proceeded to push a barrage of unfavorable, anti-Hillary Clinton information to the USA electorate to the detriment of Hillary Clinton's presidential bid.
His target, Donald Trump, won the USA presidential election in what has to be characterized as one of the most stunning upset political victories in USA history. Vladimir Putin popped the bubbly, raised his glass high into the air, and gave a boisterous toast to his success. He could not help but to take a bow as he gave himself a standing ovation for a job well done. His cyberspace election warfare operation had worked. The Americans, by and large, never knew what hit them. With Vladimir Putin's blessing, the computer experts in Russia had treated the USA democracy like a gigantic software application to be hacked. They sought vulnerabilities in the USA democracy, and like the unleashing of a computer virus to attack a vulnerable software application, when vulnerabilities were found in the USA political process, the computer experts proceeded to clandestinely hack, attack, manipulate, and influence voter opinions about the Presidential candidates. It was all a big game; the computer experts were manipulating political passions in the USA as if the voters were puppets on a string. The hackers delighted in sitting back and watching the Americans react to the upheaval they were causing. In the end, Vladimir Putin's campaign of cyberspace election engineering was a resounding success. Vladimir Putin, finally, had gotten his revenge for those Olympic 4x400 meters relay race defeats. He was so happy.
The space aliens released Donald Trump without incident. Donald Trump vowed never to utter a word about his abduction by space aliens or about the time he spent aboard the alien spacecraft. He knew that nobody would believe him. He did not want to be deemed a delusional lunatic who was not fit to serve his Presidential term in office.
During the course of their examination of Donald Trump's brain, the space aliens also discovered another starling fact about what makes Donald Trump tick. They discovered that, deeply buried in his psyche, Donald Trump was obsessed with notions of acceptance and being successful. They discovered that Donald Trump relishes attention and craves for acceptance. What could he do to receive favorable media coverage? What could he do to assure a successful presidency? Will he be able to go the 12-round distance?
The world had taken a ringside seat as it held its breath and bit on its collective fingernails with intrigue, apprehension, anxiety, and suspense. The space aliens discovered that Donald Trump simply wants to use the USA's military might to take the Iraqi oil so that he can pay for the border wall, infrastructure modernization, military upgrading and upsizing, tax cuts, defeating ISIS, and comprehensive health care reform without exploding the USA's national debt, which stood at $20 trillion dollars as of January 20, 2017.
The space aliens discovered one other thing about Donald Trump while examining his brain. They discovered that, deeply buried in his psyche, Donald Trump harbored a suspicious and an envious type of antipathy for Barack Obama. They discovered that Donald Trump harbored an unhealthy fixation on Barack Obama—his birthplace, his college grades, his friends and associates, his place of religious worship, his patriotism, his policies, and so on. They discovered that, if Barack Obama favored something, then Donald Trump felt compelled to oppose the same thing automatically, unreservedly, expeditiously, vigorously, and regardless of merit. They discovered that Donald Trump felt compelled to do everything within his Presidential powers to reverse, disassemble, destroy, obliterate, or otherwise vaporize all traces of Barack Obama's Presidential legacy. Did his negative fixation on Barack Obama mask an even deeper pyschological bias he harbored against black people, in general, or did his unflattering fixation on Barack Obama simply represent nothing more than another instance of insidious and divisive party politics only this time around it had a slight "blacklash" type of tinge to it? The space aliens could not pinpoint a precise answer to this question while inspecting Donald Trump's brain. They concluded that, when it comes to skin color, ethnicity, or race, Donald Trump probably suffers from a case of the Manute Bol/Yao Ming syndrome. Will Donald Trump's ascension to the USA Presidency prove to be the ultimate bait-and-switch job resulting in the conning of a nation? The space aliens were not sure about the answer to this question, but they did conclude that Honest Abe he most definitely was not a facsimile of.
As they prepared to depart for their home planet, the space aliens made a final conclusion. The space aliens concluded that by virtue of the skill he exhibited in manipulating the USA electoral process and by virtue of his savvy and shrewdness in infiltrating Donald Trump's inner circle, Vladimir Putin should be awarded one-half of the USA presidency. Well played. Does this revelation mean that Mike Pence has a reason to be worried? Will Vladimir Putin push aside Mike Pence, claim his seat at the table, and take his turn running things in the USA?
The space aliens obtained the answers they sought. Like an epiphany, everything suddenly made sense to them. They were delighted and overjoyed to be taking their findings back to their home planet.